“The Foncho clause…is a two part clause…”

5/28/2020

So I’ll get back to the Foncho clause in a bit, but first a few PCT updates for my first blog submission from the trail.

I got to Agua Dulce, CA around 4 pm on May 26th after taking an Uber from the Burbank airport. I picked up a fuel canister from the local hardware store and also met my first two fellow PCT thru-hikers; Backfire and Princess (all thru-hikers use trail names). I had arrived in SoCal during an intense heat wave and they recommended that I wait until evening to start hiking to beat the heat. So that’s what I did. I rested in the shade of a building until 7:30 pm and then started the hike; I hiked six miles up a mountain in the dark using my headlamp until I found a camp site on the top of a saddle around 10 pm and set up camp.

The theme from days two and three was intense heat, lack of shade and long distances between water sources. I severely underestimated how much water I required through the day, but figured it out on day three when I was peeing what looked to be grapefruit Tang [if that was ever a thing]. So I decided to slow things down, set up my tent in the middle of the day in a shady spot near a water cistern and proceeded to drink 4 liters of water while resting and preparing for the sun to go below the mountainside.

Back to the Foncho clause – it traces its roots to the 36th Fighter Squadron in Korea, to I believe the early 2000s. Fighter pilots are known for telling stories about the antics of their fellow aviators in a sarcastic and humorous manner called 10% stories – meaning 10% of the story need only be true. The Foncho clause, named for two guys who often had difficulty with stories, provided guidance on how to tell a story. As it goes:

“The Foncho Clause is a two part clause – #1: A poor story told well is better than a good story told poorly, and #2: Don’t take all @%#’ng night.”

So in keeping with the Foncho Clause [and possibly the 10% rule], I provide this recap of a lesson learned while on the trail.

I was obviously not the only one suffering from the intense heat on day three. The flora and fauna were also experiencing it. In a ruse of deception tactics worthy of impressing Robin Olds, a few members of the animal kingdom conspired together to rid an unsuspecting hiker of his cherished supply of water.

I was only half a mile away from my day three campsite, making a sharp turn around a bend in a side wash when I was stopped dead in my tracks by a baby rattlesnake lying fully stretched out in the trail. I had about enough time to realize that, “hey, that’s definitely a rattlesnake…and “how am I going to get around him?” when Operation STEALTHE HIKER’sWATER began. While I spent the 10 seconds focusing on the decoy baby rattlesnake, I started feeling an electric buzz and fire on both my forehead and back of my legs. It was then that I realized I was getting stung by attacking bees. At this point the baby rattlesnake was the least of my concerns and all I could think about was getting away from the bees. There may have been some spastic, flailing movements that took place and then I jumped right over the snake and broke into a sprint for 50 yards to try and outrun the bees which had quickly started to grow in numbers.

I stopped to catch my breath and shake out one remaining bee that had gotten stuck under my hat brim. After I cleaned my shorts out, I proceeded to hike the remaining half mile to the campsite, still a bit shaken from the weird experience. While preparing my couscous dinner for that night, I discovered that one of my smartwater bottles was missing. It then all became apparent to me. This hive of bees, in an effort to score a bottle of water on a scorcher of a day enlisted the help of a baby rattlesnake to act as a decoy so that they could then attack a poor, unsuspecting hiker and cause him to drop his bottle of water as he ran away in fear of his life. Well done bees, well done. I thought about going back for that bottle… but not for long…

So the lesson learned here? – if you ever happen upon a baby rattlesnake while out on a hike – watch out for bees!

I will leave it up to the reader to determine which 10% of that story is true…if any…or maybe it’s 100% true…

Trail Facts:

• Trail miles walked – 31
• Current PCT mileage marker – 485
• Current Audiobook – A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson
• Current Podcast – Against the Rules Season 1 by Michael Lewis
• Thru-Hikers I’ve met – Backfire, Princess
• Wildlife seen – kangaroo rats, cottontail rabbits, lizards, dove, road runner (beep, beep), ravens, gopher snake, baby rattlesnake, red racer snakes, ground squirrels, quail, blue jays, hummingbirds